The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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