Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
