Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
