Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
