the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I can't put those talents on a resume
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
