Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I just forgot I was standing up.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
