the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
