you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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