if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
