I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
you never un-have a 4some
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
