I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
