Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
