i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
