I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
