I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
