I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
