Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
