you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
