I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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