he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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