I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
