Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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