proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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