I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
