My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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