I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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