so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
