Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
