I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
