John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
