he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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