Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
