Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
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