Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
