That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
