I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
