apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
