Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I came so hard my ears popped.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
