you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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