U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
