i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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