we're blogging at a bar
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
