I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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