She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
