I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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