Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
