i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
