The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
