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The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
