My liver just broke up with me...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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