You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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