No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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